Harry Portage and the Chamberpot of Secrets

It was a quiet night on Privet Drive. Yet something was in the air. Harry Portage was soon to awake to a bombardment of letters inviting him to attend the Hogwaves School of Kayaking. Blearily reading the letter, he could barely believe it. Could he have really been a kayaker all this time and not known it? Memories of that time when he was five and fell into a rapid came flooding back. He had simply body surfed a wave, grabbed a passing flotsam branch and high braced back to the side, to the amazement of onlookers. Little had been said about the matter since, but now it all started to make sense. It might also have something to do with the paddle-shaped scar on his forehead ...

The letter itself seemed magical, on thick parchment, and when Harry muttered to himself, "Wow, yes, that sounds great", the letter suddenly fizzed and sparked and Harry found himself at platform 2 of Angel tube station.
"What now?" he said. He stood bewildered for a few moments, and then a red-haired boy about his age came up to him.
"It's platform 2 and a half that you want, just walk towards the wall like this." And with that, the figure suddenly disappeared. Harry was amazed, but he followed anyway, and with a whizz and a blur he found himself outside some big red metal gates and an imposing sign saying 'Hogwaves School of Kayaking -- Real Paddlers only'. There was a throng of new students, including the boy he had seen.
"Hi, my name's Ron, come on, we've got to go to Shepperton Alley now, to get you a paddle"
"Err, hi. My name's Harry"
"Yes, I know, you're famous" said Ron, trying not to look at Harry's paddle scar. "Anyway let's go."
At Shepperton Alley, they went into a shop, where Mr Gregorius was waiting. "Well, what sort of paddle do you like, carbon prepreg? Welsh elm? Or maybe kevlar and unicorn tail? Let's just try shall we?" So he put a range of paddles into Harry's hands, but nothing happened. "Come along, give it a pawlata or a boof or two" insisted Mr Gregorius, but Harry didn't know how and was embarrassed. But suddenly, when he was holding a wooden JimiStyx, a huge spark came out of the end, obliterating a few boats at the other side of the shop.
"That's the one for you!" exclaimed Mr Gregorius. "Good job you weren't pointing it at the new Boosters! Not to worry, no harm done" He waved his own paddle at the mess and it magically came back together again.

Having got himself a paddle, Ron said it was time to go back to Hogwaves for the sorting ceremony where it would be decided what House he would be in.
"I hope you don't end up in Dytherin', because the only spell they know is 'Faffendum'!" smirked Ron. A big crowd had gathered, and each in turn went to the middle and put on the Sorting Helmet. It was a battered old Protec, but it magically decided who whould be in which house and called out aloud.
Ron went forward, and put on the helmet. "Flumencursors!" it called out. Harry stepped up, and when he put on the Sorting Helmet, he could hear it talking to him. "Is this a Dytherin'?" "No!" thought Harry. "Hmm.. you're right" said the hat to him. "Definitely not a Slalomdor or a CaveDweller, either. Flumencursor it is then!"
"Cool!" said Ron "We're in the same House". Another student, a girl named Hermione, was also in their house. Together they went along to the first lesson, which was Paddling Class.

Professor McMaggieall was an imposing figure in her tall black hat. She gathered the students around, waved her paddle and said "Fluvium!" and suddenly a river appeared, with boats on the side ready for them to try. The basic spell they were learning was "Paddlendum!" and most people got it OK. Harry and Hermione were able to gets their boats to move fairly well, but poor Ron was still going round in circles, even by the end. As Harry came back into the side, his boat swung round neatly.
"Potter! What are you doing! Where did you learn to Bow Rudder like that?"
"Err.. I don't know, it just happened" Harry stammered.
"Hmm.. Obviously a natural" said Professor McMaggieall. "We'll have to put you in the Quiddolo team. It's never happened before with a first year. though."
"Wow!" said Ron, who was mad about Quiddolo. "What is Quiddolo?" Harry whispered to him. "It's the greatest game in the world! I've got pictures of Polochester United on my wall! You zoom around in boats, trying to score goals and catch the Snitch! You'll be great on the Hogwaves team!"

After that excitement, the other lessons didn't seem so interesting. They had Aleut class with Mr N.A.Nook, and the birch bark wrapping spell was not easy, even for Hermione, who was something of a swot. The last class of the day was Hydrodynamics, and the maths was awful, even though Mr Laminar was a good teacher. There was water all over the flow benches by the time they were finished, and they were soaked from trying to tame miniature rapids. They went to dinner and then to bed, exhausted.

Next day, there was a tremendous stench around the school. People were reeling and being sick everywhere.
"What's going on?" Harry asked Professor McMaggieall.
"It's the Chamberpot of Secrets. It's overflowing again, happens every year at this time. Classes are cancelled today." Everyone cheered, and ran off to where the smell was less bad.
"But I don't want to miss any lessons" wailed Hermione.
"And I need to practice for the Quiddolo match" said Harry. Ron looked at them all as if they were mad.
"What is the Chamberpot of Secrets, anyway?" asked Harry.
"Let's look it up in the library!" said Hermione. So they trooped up the library, handkerchiefs to their noses to block out the smell. Hermione opened a book. "Here it is. Way back in the mists of time, an ex student of Hogwaves was in the Alps and she was bewitched by some strange Briancon food which caused her to use her boat as a chamberpot. No-one has dared go near her boat since! We have to find a spell to fix it!" So, with Ron's reluctant help, they looked through all the spell books, all afternoon. Suddenly, Harry shouted, "Here it is!" They rushed out to the boat house. "NoseClippium!" Harry said, and noseclips appeared so they wouldn't smell. Then he waved his paddle and said "FlushumJoumBoatum!" and with a big flushing sound the boat was clean and the smell disappeared.

Everyone cheered and Harry was the hero of the moment. They could now hold the Quiddolo match. Their rival team, the Wide-Awake-ers, had assembled, and they looked really tough. Harry was scared. But the match started and there was no time to think, just to keep moving and keep passing the ball and aiming for goal, all the while keeping an eye out for the Snitch. The Snitch was a magical golden drainplug which appeared at random and moved very fast. If you could catch it, then you won the game, although it happened very rarely.

The score was 5 all, with Hogwaves just moving towards goal, when suddenly one of the other team said 'Squirtboatus' and Harry's boat started to shrink around him. He was barely buoyant, and starting to sink. He looked around desperately, and the crowd were booing vigorously at this bit of foul play. But the referee didn't seem to notice. The Wide-Awake-ers got the ball and because Harry couldn't move very fast, they had the advantage and were just about to score.

Suddenly, Harry caught a glimpse of gold in the corner of his eye. The Snitch! Just at the other side of the pool. No-one on the other team had noticed, but how could he get there quickly in his low volume, nose diving boat? He looked into the audience, and saw Hermione gesturing at him, moving her hands in a circle. What did she mean? There was a cheer as the other team scored, and there only a few seconds of the match left. Was all lost? Then he realised what Hermione meant. Of course! He said 'Cartwheelium!' and his boat leapt up into a vertical position, and he cartwheeled across the pool, linking about ten ends, and he reached out and grabbed the Snitch.

It took a few seconds for everyone to realise what had happened, but Harry was there holding the magic drainplug in his hand, and the crowd went wild. What a day! Harry was so glad he was at Hogwaves. He really was a kayaker after all.