Steyr Wars: Clones of the Attak

Cast:
Luke Creekwalker (Lee Cookson)
OC1 Canoeby (John Sellers)
Princess Lisa (Lisa Cookson)
Kip Solo (Kip)
R2-D2 (John Cox)
Darth Steyr ('American' Michael Styer)

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away ...

Episode IV, A NEW HOPE. It is a period of civil war. Rebel kayaks, striking from a hidden boatshed, have won their first victory against the evil Galasportic Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the DEATH STOPPER, a huge hydraulic with enough power to destroy an entire planet. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Lisa races home on her intergalactic playboat, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy....

Suddenly, her kayak is ambushed, and she fends off her attackers as best she can with her fag-end-powered Prijon laser gun, but soon she starts to run out of power. Desperate, she puts in a few evasive rolls and hides the secret formula in her trusty droid, R2D2, along with a message. As she passes the planet Zog, she jettisons R2 just before she is captured by the Imperial troops...

Sometime later, on the obscure backwaters of planet Zog, Luke Creekwalker is paddling along in his HyperDrive AutoBoofer, when suddenly he spots a droid bobbing along. "Ah-ha, salvage!" he thinks to himself. He snags it with his towline and drags it back to his takeout. While he is cleaning and repairing his find, he accidentally trips one of the switches, and the robot projects a three-dimensional hologram -- a miniature image of a beautiful girl, the Princess. The image says, "General Canoeby, my kayak has fallen under attack and I've placed information vital to the survival of the rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit. You must see this droid safely delivered to the rebel HQ at Llangollen. This is our most desperate hour. Help me Oh Celery One Canoeby, you're my only hope, innit, mate?"

Luke realises that this must be a message for old OC1, so he goes and finds him. "Ahh, young Creekwalker," says OC1 from beneath his dark robes, "you must learn the ways of the force and join me on my trip to Llangollen". At first Luke doesn't want to leave Zog with all its Thiruriian beauty, but when OC1 gives him the Light Paddle that his father had left him, he knew he had to go. It was a powerful laser beam paddle which he knows it would take years to master. The pair set off to the big city to find themselves a staryak.

They go into a bar, and find a staryak captain propping it up. "Kip Solo's the name, 'yak smuggling's the game. With a bit of gnu wrangling on the side". They agree to hire Solo's ship, the Topo Duo, even though it is a bit long on the tooth, and then Luke and Kip get into a debate about the best way to roll, the youngster saying, "the best roll is a back deck roll". Solo disagrees, "No way, it's the reverse sweep that you want in a combat situation". OC1 is about to hurry them along to the staryak when a shady-looking alien chips in and says, "It's the steyr roll that you're talking about". OC1's eyes blaze and he whips out his own light paddle, severing the alien's arm. "Never say that name in my presence" he says, levelly, quickly regaining his cool, and ushering out a stunned Luke and Kip. As they leave the injured alien mutters "But that's what they call the roll. It's named after a place in Austria on Old Earth ..."

They set off for planet Llangollen, and on the journey, Luke practices with the lightpaddle, trying to deflect pulses from a small, hovering sphere, but missing. OC1 mentors Luke, reminding him during his exercises to rely on the instinctual responsiveness of the Force rather than his conscious self, "Don't think high brace or bow rudder, just let your mind be empty". Soon Luke can even do the paddle moves even blindfold, so strong is the force within him. Solo remains skeptical. "Give me a Werner any day" he says.

At warp speed the staryak covers the few million cumecs to Llangollen in no time, but as they emerge from hyperspace, they are attacked by the Imperial ship that is holding Princess Lisa hostage. Kip uses all his old tricks to outrun them, executing one perfect SpaceBoof after another. "He's not such a bad 'yaker after all" Luke says grudgingly. Cleverly, they Asteroid Splat the hull of the Imperial Cruiser and sneak on board to rescue the Princess. Luke steals the cag and buoyancy aid of an Imperial StormYaker and, so disguised, finds Lisa.

In her princess-like manner she says, "Well it's about time you showed up. You haven't got a fag on you, by any chance?". Luke whisks her away to safety. Boarding the Topo, Lisa is unimpressed. "You came in this thing? You're braver than I thought."

They make it safely to Planet Llangollen, were the rebels are preparing to attack the Death Stopper. The secret plans in R2D2's memory bank are just what they need. Unfortunately they are somewhat garbled, with strange references to Land Rovers and old newsletters mixed in with the plans. They start building their fighter kayaks, but Luke intervenes. "We have to be manoeuvrable to negotiate the Death Stopper. We want stubby little yellow boats like this Pyranha here. We have to clone the Attak." The Llangollen engineers start up their cloning machines, and soon they have plenty of clones of the Attak for all the rebels.

Before they leave, OC1 tells Luke to watch out for Darth Steyr, for he will be on the Death Stopper and is the dark side of the Force. OC1 realises he can feel Darth Steyr's presence, so he rushes outside and sees that the Death Stopper itself has appeared, slap bang in the middle of Mile End Mill. The rebels all seal launch together, their light paddles glowing, as they take on the death stopper.

All around rebels are paddling bravely, but time and again they are windowshaded, then having to bale and coming to grisly ends. OC1 and Luke are alongside each other surfing at the lip of the great hole. Suddenly, Luke hears a heavy, mechanical breathing sound. "Sounds like my airbag's sprung a leak" he shouts over to OC1. "No, Luke, it's Darth Steyr, look out!"

Darth Steyr suddenly drops in, fearsome in his black carbon aramid slalom boat. "Now I'll show you why it's really called a Steyr roll", he rasps. He and OC1 Canoeby engage in a vicious duel, each trying to pull the other's spraydeck off using Jedi mindtricks and perfect light paddle technique. Luke can only watch on the sidelines. "It's called the backdeck or rodeo roll, you evil traitor" says OC1 as he struggles against Steyr. "You will never succeed". But suddenly, to Luke's horror, Darth Steyr gets a killing blow in with his paddle. OC1 smiles quietly, capsizes, and sinks without trace. "OC1!" calls Luke, but he has gone.

Luke knows what he has to do. He starts paddling furiously towards the centre of the stopper, bracing this way and that, trying to find its centre. He's desperate, and it looks like he will fail. Suddenly he hears OC1's voice in his head, "Use the Force, Luke. Use the Forc..." but OC's voice is suddenly cut off. What did he mean?

Darth Steyr approaches closer and shoots a blast, hitting Luke's Attak, causing it go into a sidesurf. Suddenly, despite losing control, Luke realises what OC was trying to say. "The Fauc-et, the Faucet!" he cries, and paddles upstream a few feet where a shiny tap is pouring out the water that is creating the Death Stopper. Luke reaches out and heroically switches it off.

Death Steyr is swept away downstream, and Luke has saved the day. Kip praises him over the radio: "Great paddling, kid. That was one in a million." OC1 makes a final spiritual appearance to Luke, saying, "Remember, the Faucet will be with you, always."

So Luke grabs the tap and puts it in his pocket.

*Technical Footnote: The 'Steyr Roll' is a real and widely-known roll. It is basically the same as a 'Back Deck Roll', which is itself almost identical to a 'Reverse Sweep Roll', and is also known as a 'Rodeo Roll'. This confusion makes it clear that there's no point worrying about technique. Just use the force and you'll roll up every time...